My sheets look like a crime scene.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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