C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
my liver is dry heaving
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
