I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
