Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You made out with two different species that night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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