eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
