there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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