Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
