If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
