I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she smelled like a LAN party
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
