if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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