I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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