He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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