I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
