We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
