There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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