Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
