I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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