I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
