i think my tv is drunk
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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