singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
that's an acceptable place to lick
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
