SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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