i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She's the barista slut.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
