WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she looked like the before picture.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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