If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
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Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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