Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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