Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
