Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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