my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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