Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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