I'm pants shitting drunk right now
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
