i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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