dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
