I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
