I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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