My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
