That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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