I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
