Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
