my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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