I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
