had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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