I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
