my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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