omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
me + whiskey = a bad person
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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