Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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