Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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