Will you blow on my dice?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
