Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
