Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize