the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
