if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The adults are the big ones right?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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