When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
