Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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