i need an iv and a liver transplant
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize