why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
