I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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