she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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