I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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